A Journal Entry on my 29th Birthday

Today I’m 29.

If we don’t know each other, hey, I’m Ben, we’re homies now.

We are blessed. We have bodies as vessels, hearts as altars, nerves as wiring, brains as processors, eyes as windows, blood as rivers, voices as current, and breath as a bridge between the visible and invisible.

But we’re not any of these things.

If the practice really works, we are nothing. There’s a Sanskrit phrase from the Upanishads “neti neti” (not this, not this). It refers to the true self (ātman) which is formless, nothingness. It’s empty. Pure. True.

Emptiness is freedom because when we no longer identify as that which we’re not, the clouds part and the truth shines through.

The Upanishads also say truth = Brahman, which can be translated as pure consciousness, ultimate reality, or god.

Some say everything is god but there’s so much suffering in the world, which is confusing. But maybe god isn’t in full control, s(he) simply creates, preserves, and destroys.

We act as though destruction is bad, as if it’s not required for creation to exist. We think time is linear but the yoga scriptures teach us that time is cyclical. So my prayer is to patiently let myself be destroyed.

I pray to let it all go. To forgive myself. To forgive the ones who broke my trust. I’m good at being strong but I pray I can be better at being weak.

Sometimes I hate the weakness of owning up to my wrongs. Sometimes my past feels like another life that I want to crawl inside to re-do my regrets. Sometimes I get triggered and say things I don’t mean. sometimes I numb myself with drugs that I romanticize by calling plant medicine. Sometimes my practice itself is a distraction from feeling it all.

A good question to ask oneself is who am I without my body, name, job, possessions or attachments? A better question may be who am I without my practices, without asana, breathwork, or even meditation?

The practice is to become nothing for the purpose of becoming everything. There lies a rich life. So let it all go. Empty out. Be nothing. Wander into the unknown & the unconscious. Maybe then you’ll find out who you really are.

Much love — Ben.